


Improvising on the Edge of Catastrophe

by thybemusicals



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (spoilers its john), Agender Character, Agender Peggy Schuyler - Freeform, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Gender-neutral pronouns for Peggy Schuyler, Genderqueer Marquis de Lafayette, M/M, Murder Mystery, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, because he comes back... kinda, but its okay, ghost!John Laurens, the character death is in the first chapter, warnings for specific chapters will be in the notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-16 01:23:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13625601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thybemusicals/pseuds/thybemusicals
Summary: Alexander Hamilton’s life could be described through a series of “until”s.Everything was fine until John died.He was close to his friends until he pushed them away, trying in all the wrong ways to deal with his grief.John was gone, until he wasn’t.He hated Jefferson, until he didn’t.[ON TEMPORARY HIATUS]





	1. August 27 and the Great Decline in the Life of Alexander Hamilton

**Author's Note:**

> TITLE FROM Founding Brothers BY Joseph J. Ellis
> 
>  
> 
> This is my first fic for this fandom so... enjoy?

Alexander Hamilton had the perfect life. He had a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, and a steady job. He had it all. Or so he thought. 

 

8:27 p.m.

“Tell me again why you can’t go out with me, Laf and Herc tonight,” John Laurens asked with a grin, pulling a jacket on. 

“I have work, love.”

“Alex, you always have work. Please, for me. Just this once, come out?” 

Alex looked up. 

_ Damn. Stupid puppy dog eyes.  _

He looked away. 

“John, I really can’t. This has to be finished by tomorrow and I still have nine more pages to do. Next time, love, I promise.”

John sighed, “Okay, sure. I’ll text you later. Love you.”

“I love you too.”

Alex heard the door close. 

 

_ 9:07: Alexander Damnilton: hey babe how r u _

_ 9:10: That Turtle Kid: ok. herc is drunk already _

_ 9:10: Alexander Damnilton: h o w _

_ 9:11: That Turtle Kid: idk it jst kinda happends snd hes stll drbking  _

_ 9:12: Alexander Damnilton: babe are you drunk _

_ 9:13: That Turtle Kid: mybe a bit _

_ 9:15: Alexander Damnilton: be careful okay? i love you <3 _

_ 9:15: That Turtle Kid: yeah yeah ik ily 2 <3 _

_ 9:15: Alexander Damnilton: check back with me at 10? _

_ 9:18: That Turtle Kid: mhmmmmm  _

 

_ 10:07: Alexander Damnilton: babe? _

_ 10:08: Alexander Damnilton: john? _

_ 10:10: Alexander Damnilton: john honey you there? _

_ 10:13: Alexander Damnilton: john this isn’t funny _

_ 10:24: Alexander Damnilton: john seriously this is so far from funny please answer I’m worried _

 

Alex could feel his breathing become more fast paced. This was not the time for an anxiety attack, damnit. John never forgot to check in. 

 

_ Calling French Baguette… _

“Oui?”

“Laf, thank god.”

“Alex, mon ami, what is the matter?”

“Laf where’s John? He hasn’t answered any of my messages in the past thirty minutes and I’m star-“

“Mon tigre, it is all right, his phone has killed.”

“Died?”

“Yes, that is what I said.”

“Can I talk to him?”

There was some fumbling as the phone changed hands, but Alex was greeted with the voice of his boyfriend, and his mood immediately brightened. 

“Allllllex!”

“John, babe, oh my god I was so worried.”

“Why’re you worryin’ ferme?” 

Alex chuckled, he could still make out John’s telltale southern accent through his drunk slurring. 

“You didn’t answer my texts, and it’s 10:30.”

“Babe ‘m sorry I forgot and ‘mphone died.”

“I know, it’s alright.” He paused. “What time do you think you’ll be home?”

“‘Round 11:30.”

“Okay. I love you babe, stay safe.”

“Love you, too. Get some sleep, ‘kay? You need it.”

“Will do.”

 

_ 11:16: Alexander Damnilton: is John leaving soon? im lonely :((( _

_ 11:19: French Baguette: Oui. _

_ 11:21: Alexander Damnilton: thank god i miss him so much _

_ 11:21: Alexander Damnilton: that’s so stupid i mean i haven’t even been dating him for two years and he was barely gone 3 hours _

_ 11:22: French Baguette: It is  _

_ 11:22: French Baguette: I forgot the word _

_ 11:24: French Baguette: adroable  _

_ 11:24: Alexander Damnilton: adorable? _

_ 11:25: French Baguette: Yes. That. _

_ 11:26: French Baguette: John is heading out now. He says he is to be home in 15 minutes.  _

_ 11:29: Alexander Damnilton: yay!!! _

 

_ Incoming call from  _ _ NYC Health _ _... _

“Hello?”

“Is this Alexander Hamilton?”

“Yes, this is him.”

“You were listed as John Laurens’ emergency contact. There’s been an accident-“

_ Oh god please no. _

“-things aren’t looking so well-“

_ God anyone but him. _

“-as soon as you can-“

_ Don’t take him. _

“-critical-“

_ Please. _

“-might not survive the night.”

There was a pause. 

“I… I’m sorry?” His breath was speeding up. 

“Mr. Hamilton, please remain calm.”

“.... John,” he choked out, the tears that had begun to fill his eyes threatening to fall. 

“Sir, please come as soon as you can.”

The last thing Alex heard before the call ended was a muffled voice from the other end. 

“Murdered.” 


	2. September 5 and the Tragedy of Working

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know the “worst-case scenario” that you have for every situation? The one that you blow off as that will never happen to me. That’s what this felt like. It felt like all the light had been sucked out of the room.  
> That word kept repeating in Alex’s head. Over and over again.  
> Murdered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait guys!! Life kinda got in the way for a while, but I’m back!
> 
> So, Thomas is in this one! He’s an asshole, but he’s there!
> 
> ANXIETY ATTACK WARNING

August 27; 11:52

_Murdered. Murdered. M u r d e r e d._  
_This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t real. Thisisntrealthisisntrealthisisntreal._  
_John_.  
_John_.  
_Everything is blurry. Everything is whizzing by._  
_John_.  
_How could this happen? How could I let this happen._  
_He was there. Just a few hours ago._  
_Is he really gone?_

Alex was jolted from his thoughts as a warm hand came to rest on his shoulders.

  
He let out the breath he didn’t realize he was carrying. He unfurled himself from the ball he was curled up in and wiped his eyes.

  
He looked up.

  
“Laf?”

  
The Frenchman looked at him with tears in their eyes and sat down next to him.

  
“He is gone?”

  
A sob escaped Alex’s throat.

  
His voice was shaking, “What do we do now?”

  
Laf sighed. “Herc will be here soon. You need to drink something. Walk around. John would want you to.”

  
“Don’t you _dare_ assume to know what John would have wanted.”

  
“Alex, I-”

  
“No, Laf, no. If it weren’t for you and Herc, John would still be here.”

  
“Mon tigre, you know that is not true.”

  
Alex glared at his lap, fat tears streaming down his face. He was unsure if they were out of anger, sadness, or some demonic, twisted combination of the two.

  
“It is, Laf. You two convinced him to go out drinking tonight. You let him leave by himself with a dead phone. You caused this.”

  
Alex looked up. He could see the tears pooling at the corners of their eyes.

  
“I am…. I am going now.”

  
“Laf, wait, you know I-”

  
“No, Alexander. I am going.” Their voice was firm. Alex hated that voice.

  
Looking back, Alex didn’t remember much of what happened in the days that followed John’s….. leaving.

He remembered crying. Lots of crying. Everywhere he went someone was tearing up. Why were they all crying? It wasn’t _their_ boyfriend. It wasn’t _their_ best friend. _They didn’t lose anyone, except maybe an easy target._

Easy target. Is that what John was? Sure, he got bullied a lot, got hurt in a lot of fights, but it was only because he didn’t like confrontation and didn’t fight back. If he fought back he could easily beat up any one of his tormentors.

Great, Alex was crying again. He was sick and tired of all the crying.

_How is it that my body still has tears left to shed? Haven’t I suffered enough as it is?_

_The fake sympathy is worse than the crying._

Everywhere he goes, people are offering him their condolences. That’s one of the only things he remembers.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“He was a great person.”

“I’m going to miss him.”

“What a shame.”

_You didn’t know him_ , Alex wants to say.

_I know he was. He was my best friend._

_What are you going to miss, him, or being able to pick on someone easily?_

_Damn right it’s a shame._

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he looks at his hands. He nods, offers small “thank you”s.

They didn’t deserve to know John.

_He_ didn’t deserve to know John.

_No, we’re not going there. John loves- loved. John loved me._

And then the tears start again.

It’s a never ending thing, these tears. Never stopping, never taking a break longer than a few minutes. How long has he been crying? A few minutes? Hours? Days? It feels like years.

 

  
August 29

Alex doesn’t remember the funeral.

He’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

He knows he didn’t make it through his speech. He broke down halfway through it.

Saying goodbye is hard. He doesn’t want to do it.

Does he have to?

_Yes_ , his brain answers.

_But why?_ he asks.

There is no response.

 

  
September 3

Two days.

Alex has two days before he has to be back at work.

He should call Laf or Herc. He hasn’t seen them since the funeral.

They hate you. They only hang around you because John liked you.

He knows it’s not true, but a small part of him believes.

He hates that part of himself.

So do they. The voice adds.

 

  
September 5; 6:00 a.m.

_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BE- CRASH!_

Alex smacked his alarm clock, throwing it off his nightstand.

He dragged himself out of bed, pulling on the most casual, yet work-friendly clothes he could find, throwing his hair up in a quick ponytail, and walking out the door.

He got halfway to work before he realized that he forgot to lock his door.

“Whatever, not turning back now,” he muttered. “‘M not being late on my first day back.”

And with that, he trudged on.

 

  
September 5; 8:43 a.m.

“Oh, Hamilton~” a sing-songy voice calls from around the corner of the cubicle Alex is working in.

“Fuck off, Jefferson,” he mumbles, 100% not in the mood.

“Where’s your boy-toy, Hammy? Has he finally decided that he’s too good for you?”

Alex’s breath hitched.

“That’s… he’s…”

“Aww, did he leave you? I can’t really blame him to be hon-“

Alex was out of his chair and pushing past Jefferson before he could finish his sentence. He could feel the tears streaming down his face.

_No, not here. Not now._

“Tell Washington that I’m going home early,” he said to one of the interns as he rushed out of the building.

He barely made it the two blocks to his apartment before breaking down.

He quickly shut and locked the door behind him, his hands shaking.

_Breath_ , he told himself. _Just breathe._

He slid to the floor.

_I can’t. I can’t do it. Too much. It’s all too much._

His breath was uneven, his shoulders shaking.

_I can’t breathe._

He fumbled in his pockets for his phone, finally finding it.

Tears dripping on the screen, he unlocked his phone and selected John’s name from his contacts.

It went straight to voicemail.

“ _Laurens. John Laurens. To whom am I speaking?”_

Alex laughed, the sound coming out shaky and pathetic.

 

  
He called John’s phone 17 times before his breathing returned back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this! 
> 
> The next chapter is where things will begin to get.... interesting. ;) ;)
> 
> Yell at me on Tumblr/Instagram: thybemusicals


	3. His World Turned Upside Down (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas tries to fix his mistake, and Alex sees someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ what’s Up my dudes, my pals
> 
> ~ sorry for the long wait for this chapter (and for the shorter length)
> 
> ~ the next chapter should be coming out fairly soon (I’m on spring break hEck yea)
> 
> ~ no warnings for this chapter! yay!!

September 6; 7:17 a.m.

After having slept through his alarm, Alex saw no point in going to work. He sent a quick email to Washington explaining that he needed a few more days.

“ _From: gwashthepres@gmail.com_  
To: adotham@gmail.com  
Subject: RE: My Sincerest Apologies, Sir

_Son dont worry take as long as u need_

_Sent from my iPhone”_

Alex sighed, and thought back to the day before, back to Jefferson’s words.

“ _Where’s your boy-toy, Hammy? Has he finally decided that he’s too good for you?”_

_How could he have not known John was…. gone?_

_He knows. Of course he knows. He’s doing this to fuck with me._

_Sick basta-_

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Who the fuck-“

Alex shuffled over to the door, peering through the hole.

He was greeted to the sight of a very uncomfortable-looking Thomas Jefferson.

“What the fuck?”

He opened the door, and Jefferson flinched.

“Listen, Hamil-“

“No. I don’t want to hear it. I know you know about John so just spare me the details of your excuse.”

He started to close the door, only to have it stopped by Jefferson’s hand.

“Please, just hear me out. Let me explain.”

“You have three minutes,” Alex mumbled, opening the door and moving to the side to let Jefferson into his apartment.

_His movements are really awkward. What an asshole, he’s probably here to make me feel worse, trying to trick me by acting like a fucking ki-_ Alex’s thoughts were interrupted as the other man began to talk.

“Let me just start out by saying that I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I would have never said any of that if I had…. if I had known. About John. I had no idea.”

There was a pause. Alex sucked in a breath, ready to fire back.

“I’m sorry for your loss. I- I know how much he meant to you.”

_His voice is so quiet. He sounds sincere. Could he actually be- ? No. No. No. Don’t let him in. Keep him out. You can’t afford to start caring about someone now. Not this soon after John. God, John. John. John. John. Johnjohnjohnjohnjohnjo-_

“Hamilton? Are you okay? You spaced out there for a second.” Jefferson wrung his hands, clearly nervous.

“I…. I’m fine. I mean, not fine, but… okay. Thank you for apologizing. If you would be so kind as to leave me alone now, that’d great.”

_God, I must sound so tired_ , Alex thought  

“I- yes. Yes. I’m going. I’ll… I’ll see you at the office. When you come back.”

And with that he walked out, leaving Alex alone and confused, with only his thoughts and Jefferson’s words to keep him company.

“I need a nap,” Alex says, to no one but himself.

  
11:39 a.m.

Alex rolled out of bed for the second time that day, Jefferson’s awkward apology still repeating like a mantra in his head.

_I need to get milk,_ was the first non-Jefferson related thought Alex had as he threw his hair into a ponytail.

_Well, no time like the present._

He walked out into the living room, not paying much attention to any of his surroundings.

“Fuck, my keys! Where the fuck are these fucking- what the shit- I swear- where the fuck-?”

He looked in his work bag, on the counter, his nightstand, the kitchen table, but his keys were nowhere.

“Well, shit,” he muttered, getting ready to go back to his bed.

“Alex, I got your keys!”

_No._

_You’re dreaming._

_There’s no-_

_That’s not possible._

Alex turned around so fast he was sure he gave himself whiplash, and came face to face with the one person he needed to see the most.

“ _John?”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ thomas my cHILD
> 
> ~ oooOOOOH DO I LOVE A CLIFF HANGER
> 
> ~ this is like 80% Alex’s thoughts im so sorry lmao
> 
> ~ yell at me in the comments or on my instagram/tumblr @thybemusicals


	4. ANGELICA, PEGGY, ELIZA, WORK to Protect Alex’s Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Schuylers approach Thomas.  
> James is trying his best.  
> Thomas reflects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ this chapter takes place between chapters 2 & 3, And is from the perspectives of Eliza (for the first part) and Thomas. All thoughts in this chapter belong to Thomas
> 
> ~ warning: anxiety attack (not detailed, mostly from an outside perspective)

September 5; 9:24 a.m

Eliza wasn’t the type of person to keep up with the latest gossip or drama. Peggy and Angelica on the other hand……

That’s why it wasn’t a surprise to Eliza to see them both charging into her office.

“Peggy, you explain, I’m too mad,” Angelica growled.

“Listen, we need to kill Jefferson.”

“I- what? What did he do?”

“ _Thomas_ decided that it would be a _great idea_ to bring up John in front of Alex.”

“It was awful, man,” Peggy shook their head. “He was mocking him, asking if John had finally gotten tired of him and left.”

“I swear-“

  
September 5; 9:47 a.m.

“ _Thomas Daniele Jefferson, open this fucking door before I_ break it down _and go in there and_ rip your dick off _you mother-fucking piece of-“_

“ _Angelica_!”

“Sorry, Peggy, but my god, he needs to open his door, and I’m _fuming_.”

_Well, shit._

“Ladies, person,” Thomas said, opening the door of his office to the (admittedly very angry) faces of the oldest Schuyler siblings.

“Thomas. We need to talk.”

“Why, Miss Eliza, looking very lo-“

“Cut the crap, Thomas.”

“Of course, Ange.”

As he opened the door wider so they could walk in, he had an eerie feeling of being utterly and totally fucked.

“What brings you three here today?”

“We heard what you said to Alex.” Peggy was, unsurprisingly, the first to speak. Thomas noticed that they had refused to sit down with their sisters.

“It was all good natured teasing, we do it all the time.”

“Thomas, come on, you know that crossed a line,” Angelica said, almost in disbelief.

“Ange, I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Thomas…” Eliza’s voice came out almost like a whisper. “Thomas, John’s dead.”

“I’m sorry?”

“John was killed a week ago.”

“Wait…”

“Did- did you not know?” Peggy’s mouth was hanging open.

“I- no.” There was a pause. “Oh my god. Oh my god I- I said- _Alex_.”

“Go apologize. But not today. Wait until tomorrow. Give Alex some time to cool off.” Eliza stood up and rested her hand on Thomas’s shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll understand.”

As the siblings walked out, Thomas heard one last thing Angelica threw over her shoulder.

“Maybe if you talk it’ll help you with all that pining, Tommy.”

_I can hear her fucking smirk._

  
September 5; 7:29 p.m.

Thomas was completely and utterly fucked.

 

_I can’t believe I said that to him. God, I’m such an asshole._

“Jemmy, help me.”

“Thomas, you’re pacing.”

“Jemmy, I was an absolute ass to him. I- I said- I-“

“Hey, hey, breathe. You’re okay.”

“He’s never going to forgive me, I have no chance, he hates me, Jemmy he hates me. He hates me. He-“

“Look at me.”

Thomas’s head snapped up, and he looked at James with a terrified look in his eyes, his chest heaving.

“Thomas, you’re fine. He’s going to forgive you. It’s not a lost cause. It was an honest mistake, he’ll understand.”

_Focus on his voice, you dipshit. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focusfocusfocusfocusfo-_

“Thomas? Are you listening? Are you okay?”

“I- yeah. I’m good, Jemmy. Thanks.”

“You know you don’t have to thank me for that.”

“I know. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to.”

“What are you going to say to him?”

“I was hoping you could come up with that,” he gave James a guilty smile.

“Thomas,” the other man groaned. “Do I have to?”

“I would say no but we both know I’d be lying.”

  
September 6; 6:49 a.m.

_Fucking Jemmy. Fucking. Fuck. I can’t fucking do this. He hates me. I woke up too fucking early. He’s not going to be awake. Fucking Jemmy. Fucking asshole refusing to help me. Fuck._

_6:52: jEmMy: You’re going to do great, Thomas! Good luck!_ __  
6:55: Jeffershit: fuck off jem  
6:57: jEmMy: I love you, buddy!!!  
7:03: Jeffershit: go die in a hole

Thomas was pacing. He knew he was pacing.

_Is it creepy to pace outside your cru- outside someone’s house before 8 a.m. on a Tuesday? Probably. Damn._

_7:19: jEmMy: You can do this!!!_

He took a deep breath and knocked.

_I can do this._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ pining!thomas is my s h I t
> 
> ~ this chapter wasn’t planned at all so I hope it turned out well??
> 
> ~ all contacts shown when texting appears are the names Alex has set in his phone, for continuity 
> 
> ~ yell at me in the comments or on my instagram/tumblr @thybemusicals


End file.
